Letters to Heaven

     I listen today as a cool autumn wind is whistling through the trees in our yard.  The air is stunningly crisp and clear following the storm that blew through the last couple of days.  You would have been 29 today.  There will be no candles, no birthday cake.....just memories of you that I hold deep within the folds of my being.
    I treasure every birthday I had with you here.  20 cakes, 20 renditions of the birthday song, 20 years of being so thankful to be your mom.  I struggle every year now, trying to decide how to mark this date that is so significant in my life.  The first day of my life being a mom.  The first day of your life being my son.  You gave me that gift and I'm forever grateful.  
    I had planned to write this great message of triumph over grief and tell everyone just how wonderful life can be after a loss so great as ours.  I lost you and you lost me...  Somehow today I cannot write about that, although most days it is true.  Today I miss you profoundly.  Tomorrow will come and I will have made it through another year without you and maybe then I can talk about how you, even in death, have given me strength and courage and the will to pursue my passions in life.  I will tell everyone who has suffered such a loss that if they can just hold on, life will get good again.  But today my heart just does not believe that.  I know it's temporary and tomorrow these clouds of grief will have been swept away once again.  I just wish I could hold you one more time and wish you a happy birthday.  I love you son...today, tomorrow and for always.